#290 ; Wake me up when September ends

"Assholes."

Finally posting up something on my blog, aye?

Sorry for the ultra long delay cause I'm always busy and my computer is

being a real problem for not connecting to my Internet.

haha oh well.

Birthday coming soon too, this coming Wed (4th Sep).

and it's the day of my Literature Paper 2 Prelim 3, fml.

Hope it goes well..

And I'm happy that my bestie is finally back from Indonesia.

Hope to meet her up soon :)

The past few months/weeks,

I feel that my life has changed.

In a way when I thought I had everything but

it all turns out to be a beautiful lie.

I was living in delusional.

Should I start from the beginning?

Actually, I don't even know where's the start.

I don't even know when it all started.

But when I did, I can't salvage it anymore.

Friendship problems, lol whutt.

She used to be my priority.

I don't know if she knew but yes, she was.

Things like when I first won a pair of concert tickets,

I thought of bringing her along cause I know she hasn't been to any concert before.

So are you telling me now that all those laughter and smile were fake?

Wow.

But come again, 

the problem could be myself, I acknowledge that but whatever it's going now,

I really cannot comprehend.

You have became the reason behind my fake smiles and the reason why I hate school.

How about those days when you yourself prioritize your CCA and SL?

Did we give up on you?

NO.

Now that clique that I used to love has become the core of hatred in class.

Everyone hates them now, lol.

Ironic eh.

Hypocrites.

In the past, we always gossip about others but now?

You have became closer to that person you badmouthed at.

I hope to that person, you'll realised that that person who is your bestie now,

isn't who you really want to be with.

You're just a replacement.

And if I ever pop you this question: 

"So can you guarantee that your current friends now really treat you and like you as friend 100%?"

If you didn't hesitate, you're lying.

Ha ha ha, I'm just watching the world burn.

But this on another hand, 

I think I'm losing my good friend soon cause she found good friends

who could make her laugh more, in another word, entertain her more than I do.

Even if she didn't realised that, she is that kind of person.

She'll join someone else if she finds that funny and entertaining.

But though she may act this way, I know deep in her heart, she still remembers me.

Tbh, I'm a little annoyed cause I feel that I'm used.

But in any case, I don't want to lose her cause after all, we went through a lot too.

After my separation from that clique,

I joined, to what my class thinks, the outcasts.

Actually those outcast see things in different perspectives.

And I respect them cause they are stronger than us.

They had to withstand social issues and studies whereas, 

everyone seem to have a great social status.

I really respect them.

And I got to know someone even more after I left them.

They were different that what I thought they were in past.

Though I know, i'm being judged cause I join them but

whatever, judge all you can.

I don't need your opinion to live my life.

I kind of lost everything that I used to have but now,

I'm grateful cause this also showed me that my

Brothers and Sisters in Church has really gave me strong support.

Idiot me, why was I a backslider? 

But now, I want to contribute as much as I can.

Picking up guitar skills too and now I just need to get myself a guitar so I can practise!

After all these, I'll be lying if I say I don't hate them but

I'm grateful this event happen actually.

My luck changed for the better.

I won a iPad mini, Body Shop Hamper, loads more of concert tickets and met 

a really great concert friend name Coral.

She too been through even more shit in school but i'm glad we could relate to each other :)

Hopefully same goes to my academics of course, I want to do the very best I can.

My physics teacher even gave me a Hillsong album as an encouragement to do well for

the upcoming national examinations.

My Chinese teacher told me a really deep saying, I even felt like tearing when she said it

but the moment i saw those "friends" who just walked into class, I just held back my tears.

And hopefully, let my N level examination results outshine the rest :)

Jiayous, Jessica! 

To Myya,

Please stay strong with me.

No more cutting, no more worries as I'm here with you.

My biggest wish for you is that you'll be able to come church with me, go for this year's church camp.

Study hard and I love you as you understood me.

Thank you xoxo

#288 ; Imperfect me, sorry.

"Why why why ."

This week is pretty screwed up for me.
Been really having too much over-thinking now.

I keep thinking of the worst situations,
just everything negative.

I'm beginning to doubt people,
bring myself to think that they hate me, or just want to pull me down.

Who real now?

I don't know.




I don't know what's scarier now . .

Knowing that there's no one by your side 
or
losing your mind

Maybe, some were right.

I should not even talked to that fb group.

But at first, they were all so caught up with their new friends 

before i even went that group.

I felt super "extra".

If not now I won't be dealing this shit.

What to do?

I really care about them but I mean nothing to them.

I want to change myself but how to please them?

What is wrong with you Jess?

Seriously, why you such an asshole?

Even if I ever disappear from here, no one cares, yeah?

Crying for the past few nights,

just blaming myself for not cherishing what was in front of me the whole time.

To add on,

I think i have said before but yes,

I believe my Dad is leaving me soon, to a far far away place.

Okay, just gonna wait and see who gives a shit about me.

It's really depressing now for me.

I don't know what to do.

I feel freakin stupid.

I hate secondary school life, everything.

Everything is so fake to me.

Now I know who is being true to me, only a few.

No wonder why people choose to be a loner instead.

They know they'll get hurt if they cared to much.

I wonder to them, if they knew people hated them too,

how would they react?

Would they react like how i would or just ignore?

Well at these times,

i would say ignorance is a bliss.

This holiday "break" is a perfect time for me to really take a break

from these faces and face my own reality world.

Deal with myself, improve on myself.

What else can I do now?

All i can do now is just reflect and change.

All along, I thought being that way would be the best way to make people laugh

but perhaps its too overboard? 

People found it offensive.

I really want to make people be happy around me,

thats all I'll ever ask for.

Sorry if you were the one that I have offended you.

Don't worry, karma is already here for me.

Be happy and laugh at me okay?

God, I want to grace this chance to be even closer to you now.

You're the only one that I care now.

God, help me please.

They are those people that i really cherish a lot, but now because i hurt them, 

I lost them.